my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
