To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
