I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize