so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
