Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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