i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
