Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
