the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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