I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
