nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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