In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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