when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
