theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
