He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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