At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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