Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
