I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
