well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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