I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
