Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
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