I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
