i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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