i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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