It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
