and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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