Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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