i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He better not be in your backpack
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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