Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
