just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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