I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
