I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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