I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
