just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Operation Purity has been aborted
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
