he thought i was a dude.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We were destined to go to rehab together
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
