Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
