My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
