Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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