Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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