my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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