fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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