he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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