i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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