whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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