I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
