Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
