Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
