I am in a vortex of obligation.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize