I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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