It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
