So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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