I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
FUCK WHALES
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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