my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
