Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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