I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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