I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
