How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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