They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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