I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
