A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love you.
Bad choice
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
