Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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