True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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