i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
