Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
