i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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