I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I want her autograph on my taint
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm at about main and main street
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am available for nakedness
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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